She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
