The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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