shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
