Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There r osticjed everywhere
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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