The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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