I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
