Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
