I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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