becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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