she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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