So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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