I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
