Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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