M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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