Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
