you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
