the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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