Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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