He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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