We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Enjoy the penises
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
