I cannot find my penis.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
