Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
