adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
