matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
