Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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