I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just pee around me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
