I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
