Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
