just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
