my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
