the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
