My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
