Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
