She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
