Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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