Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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