I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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