She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This is the high leading the old right now
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
