I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
