don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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