Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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