His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
