Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
