You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
