Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
