I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
