I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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