Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
