you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
