I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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